Hi, I’m Mary Evelyn, and I’m an adult child of an alcoholic. Recently, I was reading about Brooke Shields, with whom I thought I only had one thing in common—that we grew up in the same era. It turns out another commonality is that we grew up with alcoholism. When Brooke Shields was asked in an interview if she would erase anything in her life, she replied: “I would only erase my mother’s alcoholism, which was a constant source of agony for me.” Oh, yes, I can relate.
Twelve Step programs teach that when talking about recovery, you should share experience, strength, and hope. With that directive, I’ll launch in.
Experience Growing Up and Into Young Adulthood
I grew up scared. From all outward appearances, I had everything I needed in my solidly middle-class home. But inside I did not feel secure. For most of my childhood, my mother withdrew into drink every night (not earlier than five p.m., mind you, because let’s be civilized about it). With a certain amount of alcohol, she would become enraged. My father coped by disappearing into drink, working late, and going on frequent business trips. I craved normalcy and figured that everyone else’s families were normal and mine was not. I didn’t like having friends over at night for fear there would be a scene. And alcoholism wasn’t just at home. My family tree had a lot of bottles hanging off of it.
When I was a teenager, not long after my brother had left for college, I took on what turned out to be too many responsibilities at home. I cooked frequently and took on other household chores, thinking at the time that I was getting good experience for adulthood. If I were the perfect child, everything would be okay. I was also walking on eggshells, keeping alcoholism in my home a secret—as I had been taught—and tensing up every time I heard that first beer open or that first drink being poured. Of course, I was listening intently for it.
My father moved out when I was a senior in high school, and my parents divorced after my first year in college. My father’s drinking decreased. My mother’s drinking got worse, which I have learned is common because alcoholism is a progressive disease. She also suffered from paranoia, which was confounding and confusing to me. After a drunken, especially abusive call from my mother one night when I was in my late 20s, I called a close relative, told him about the call, and said I didn’t know what to do. He called my mother, told her she had lost so much in her life because of alcoholism, and that she was going to lose me. My mother went to an AA meeting that day, at the age of 62. She called me the next day to tell me she had gone to AA, and, unsurprisingly, I thought to myself, “Yeah, right. This won’t last.” But my mother truly did find sobriety and because of it lived to be almost 95.
Strength in Gaining Knowledge and Community
When I was in college, a therapist gave me a book about adult children of alcoholics. It was revelatory. I learned that I was not alone and that I shared traits with other adult children of alcoholics. I thrived on gold stars (starting in kindergarten when my teacher really did give gold stars) and praise from others. I was overly critical of myself and had low self-esteem. I was a people-pleasing perfectionist with an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, hypervigilance, a desire to control my environment, and a desire to be a model student. That’s a perfect recipe for becoming a lawyer!
About 22 years ago, I went to my first Al-Anon meeting. I had resisted Al-Anon when it was suggested to me a few years earlier, because why did I have to go to a meeting when it was the drunk who had the problem? Stepping into the rooms of Al-Anon was life-changing, to be in community with people affected by alcoholism and other addictions. I learned that my defects of character were also strengths. I learned that I was resilient.
For those of you who know that I am a family lawyer, hold off before typecasting me as someone who might be intolerant of addicts. I have represented people with substance-use disorders, empathized with them, rejoiced with those who found recovery, and held out hope for those who did not.
Hope
There is hope. There are many resources available for friends and family of people who have substance use disorders. Al-Anon (alanon.org) and Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families (adultchildren.org) meetings take place at all hours of the day, both in person and online, and are free. There are Alateen (alanon.org) meetings for tweens and teens. Open Alcoholics Anonymous (aa.org) meetings can give great perspectives from the viewpoints of recovering alcoholics. The Al-Anon book From Survival to Recovery is a wonderful resource with stories shared by people who grew up with alcoholism. A new resource started in the past year is a free month of therapy through Better Help as a State Bar of Texas benefit. And I cannot stress enough that the Texas Lawyers’ Assistance Program (TLAP) is available for all of us lawyers as a mental health and recovery resource: tlaphelps.org and 1-800-343-8537. A call to TLAP, whether for yourself or for a lawyer for whom you are concerned, is completely confidential.
I learned through therapy, Al-Anon, self-reflection, and the support of friends and family that I can change my attitudes. I learned to be grateful for how family alcoholism shaped me. I learned that growing up with the effects of alcoholism can be stunted growth. I have had to grow up many more times as an adult, and I plan to continue growing. The scared, people-pleasing girl doesn’t have to be scared anymore.
I am so grateful that my mother became sober, but I know not every addict seeks recovery. If you or someone you love is affected by addiction and you want to talk, please feel free to reach out to me: Mary Evelyn McNamara, 512-439-7000 or memcnamara@riversmcnamara.com.